Corsicas of Doom
January 25th, 1995

Here at the Wierd Weekly News, we'd like to remind you that trains are the leading cause of carriage accidents today. Yes, its true, your average coach will be sitting at a stoplight, firmly under the control of its driver, when along comes a train suddenly, terrifying the average four-cylinder. The wheels will shy away from the train, nervously attempting to leap into the intersection and escape the nearby menace. Even though modern trains are restricted in their mobility to rigidly defined tracks, modern engines, the descendents of the mighty V-8s of yesteryear, still remember the times when mighty diesel locomotives would hunt them on the open plain, and reflexively prepare to flee whenever the now-tamed engines pass by, fearing for their eminent destruction.

And we must ask ourselves, what can we do to help them? The modern Japanese vehicle is slightly more confident in this regard, knowing that the engines which appear on American track do not compare to their terrifying Japanese counterparts, the great bullet-trains which are rumored to have descended from Gojira himself. But what of the lowly American four-cylinder, such as that found in, say, a Chevy Corsica? While this vehicle admittedly barely qualifies as a car, it is typical of many American vehicles which truly fear for their lives when exposed to the ravages of a passing railway vehicle. And while we, their drivers, may attempt to reassure them by holding the wheel firm and speaking reassuring words, we cannot even resort to historical measures such as blinders, because they can feel the approaching train simply through the vibrations in the earth. One possibility, perhaps, would be to incorporate better suspensions, cushioning the engine from awareness of the train (this may be why the average Buick, inferior in all other respects, nonetheless is less concerned about trains than many other vehicles), but this is not practical on a grand scale, and it would seem farfetched at best to retrofit all the vehicles now on the road. Branding and restricting the movement of the mighty diesels has not even been adequate, as you see when the small Geo huddles in fear as one passes by. Perhaps we can best combat this by treating it as a matter of simple ignorance, exposing train and automobile school-vehicles (one hesitates to call them 'children') to each other early in their manufacturing life, encouraging them to learn to embrace their cousins in the world of transport. But under no circumstances can we become complacent, and continue to allow our hapless vehicles to be frightened of one another on the roadways.

this bit of madness brought to you by
Richard (I hate Corsica's) Threadgill